Harry Snotter and the Unimpressive Parody
by Californicate
Summary: It's Harry Snotter's fifth year at Hogwarts and there's a mysterious new DADA teacher *cue suspensful music* Who is this shady new Professor? Why do you care? Reviews welcome, flames even more so.
1. In which nothing significant happens

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, because I am not JK Rowling, as you might have guessed, or thousands of ecstatic fans would be rushing toward me in a huge mob, demanding autographs. Good thing I'm not her.  
  
Harry Snotter was quite content, sitting on the Hogwarts Express with his two best friends, Ron Whiney and Hermione Grungy. Harry and Ron were stuffing their faces on Pumpkin Pastries after offering some to Hermione who politely refused ("Think of all the calories!"), and promptly buried her face in a book roughly the same size as her. Ron was pestering Harry to buy more so he could satisfy his greedy needs when Draco Malformed, Harry's archenemy, swaggered into their compartment, accompanied by his two cronies, Crabbe and Goyle (whose first names we are informed of once, but we will just refer to them by their last names, ok?).  
  
  
  
"I am Draco Malformed, resident Hogwarts badass, hear me roar!" said Malformed.  
  
  
  
"What are you doing here, Malformed?" asked Ron spitefully.  
  
"Oh I don't know, I just thought I'd randomly swagger into your compartment to piss you off. Haven't we already established that that is my aim in life?"  
  
  
  
At that very moment, a tall and ridiculously thin man strode into the compartment.   
  
"He must be our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" whispered Hermione, always the one quickest to catch on, excluding the fact that the only adults on the Hogwarts Express were the conductor and the lady with the cart of sweets, and the occasional Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.  
  
The man had two slanted red slits for eyes and, for some odd reason, held a rat in his hand.  
  
"Hey, that looks a bit like Scabbers!" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"It can't be Scabbers, Ron, remember? Scabbers is really Peter Pettigrew, who escaped to the dark wizard Moldywart and is helping him return to power," explained Harry.  
  
"Oh yeah. Could you please refrain from saying his name?"   
  
"NO! MOLDYWART MOLDYWART MOLDYWART! Yelled Harry. Ron clamped his hands over his ears.  
  
  
  
"LA LA LA! I'M NOT LISTENING!" he shouted. Hermione rolled her eyes and sniffed haughtily.   
  
"Could you two please stop your useless bickering? I'm trying to read 5,000,000 Magical Herbs and Fungi!" Ron and Harry rolled their eyes and automatically forgot about their squabble, enjoying themselves by making faces at Hermione.   
  
After a while, however, Harry and Ron got bored, having the short attention spans they did. They roamed around the train, bumping into (literally) many of their friends, including Neville Reallylongbottom, who had succeeded, yet again, in setting himself on fire. They also met with Fred and George, the comic relief twins. Fred (or was it George?) nudged George (or was it Fred?).  
  
  
  
"Oh yeah. Hi! We're Fred and George, Hogwarts comic relief duo! We will provide good jokes and play hilarious pranks throughout the story!" George recited. Harry and Ron clapped their hands excitedly.  
  
  
  
Finally the train pulled into the Hogsmeade station. Harry, Ron and Hermione heard the Hogwarts' gamekeeper, Hagsnot, bellowing "Firs' years this way!" and waved to him.   
  
"All righ', Harry?" Hagsnot called to him. Harry didn't have time to answer; he was pushed by the flow of people entering the Great Hall. As they all sat down at their house tables, Albus Fumblesnore stood up.  
  
  
  
"My name is Professor Fumblesnore, but what I teach is a bit uncertain. I am enigmatic, see my eyes twinkle mysteriously!" He told the students and they burst into applause. "Oh, and we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! His name is Professor Eevill." There was a weak smattering of applause at this; many people thought the Defense Against the Dark Arts position was jinxed.  
  
The golden plates before them filled up and Harry and Ron stuffed their faces greedily while Hermione nibbled at a carrot stick.   
  
"Have some shteak, Ermyknee!" Said Ron with his mouth full, spewing little bits of steak at a disgusted Hermione.  
  
"No thank you," she said loftily. "I'm a vegetarian. Think of the poor pig that was slaughtered to make you happy!"  
  
"Uh, Hermione, steak comes from cows," Harry said. Hermione blushed and buried her nose in another ridiculously thick book.  
  
  
  
While Harry and Ron were happily stuffing themselves with various suspicious looking plates of food, Draco Malformed, sitting at the Slytherin table, was sick of it all. But who could blame him? In this drafty castle full of ludicrously happy people, all of who were wearing absurd pointed hats and robes that looked very feminine, I would be absolutely insane. Draco glared at the people around him; even the Slytherins were in high spirits, which disappointed him. He sighed. Maybe tomorrow would be better, although he was not much of an optimist, so it probably wouldn't. Draco sipped his (half empty) goblet of butterbeer broodingly. It was going to be a long school year. 


	2. In which a rabid seagull attacks

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any characters you might recognize for this story. If you think that, I say you're a loon.  
  
Harry and Ron hurried down to the Great Hall, their stomachs rumbling hungrily. Although they had snuck to the kitchens five times in the middle of the night to get snacks, they were still ravenous. Sliding onto the benches, Harry and Ron started to stuff their faces on toast, porridge so thick that you could stand a spoon up in it, and spam. When they had filled their stomachs to the point of nearly bursting, they got up, with some effort, and started to their first classes. Hermione reviewed her schedule.  
  
"Let's see.first is Charms with the Slytherins, then Transfiguration with the Slytherins, and after that Defense Against the Dark Arts with the Slytherins, and then lunch," she informed Harry and Ron, who were not listening. They walked into the Charms classroom where Professor Nitwit was already starting a review on Cheering Charms, since they had had so little practice over the summer.  
  
"Good morning class! Am I a midget or what?" Nitwit said. No one stirred. He cleared his throat. "Ahem. Am I a midget or what?" He waited for laughter. No one laughed. He sighed. "Well anyway, today we will be reviewing Cheering Charms, since you've had so little practice over the summer! I will pair you up and you will perform the Cheering Charm on your partner. Now remember kids, don't try this at home!" Nitwit immediately paired Harry with Draco Malformed, Ron with Goyle and Hermione with Millicent Bulturd.  
  
"Prepare to die, Snotter," Malformed spat (literally).  
  
"It's just a Cheering Charm you son of a.. muffin," Harry, who flatly refused to curse, spat back.  
  
They got to work. Harry started by casting a strong Cheering Charm on Malformed, who burst into hysterical laughter. Amidst bursts of uncontrollable, snorting guffaws, Malformed gathered up some strength to throw a stronger Cheering Charm back at Harry, who rolled on the floor laughing, emitting peals of shrill laughter. Nitwit, being a teacher, did nothing to stop this. So after a very cheerful but generally uneventful Charms lesson, the trio headed off to Transfiguration.  
  
"Today, class, we will be learning how to transfigure seaweed into seagulls," Professor McGonagall informed the class. She handed everyone a clump of damp, slimy seaweed, and because the author was too lazy to think of a genuine Latin word to serve as a spell, she telepathically transmitted the spell into their brains. Blobs of seaweed later, perfect Hermione was the only one to have successfully transfigured her seaweed into a real seagull. Everyone else's seagulls still had floppy seaweed legs or beaks or were tinted green.  
  
"Very good, Hermione! Look at how white her seagull is!" McGonagall exclaimed. Hermione beamed as the professor continued to shower her with compliments. "Oh really, Professor, it was nothing. It was quite easy, actually, I learned from the best!" Hermione sucked up, much to the annoyance of everyone in the class. A sudden commotion at Neville's table interrupted her, though.  
  
"AHHH!" Neville screamed piercingly. "My seagull's rabid!" And indeed it was. The seagull was foaming at the mouth and dive -bombing toward Neville's head. There was an uproar as students shrieked and scrambled to get to the door. The seagull flew around crazily, bloodying people by pecking them on the head. It was a horrible sight to see; students were going down like flies, clutching their heads, wailing for their mothers like little children. Suddenly Ron tripped with a horrified look on his face. "Go on without me!" He shouted to Hermione and Harry.  
  
"No! A good man doesn't leave a soldier behind!" Harry yelled and tugged on Ron's hand. They finally reached the door and burst out of the classroom, leaving their classmates to deal with the psychotic gull. Good riddance to them. 


End file.
